And Now it is August

And now it is August. I suppose the first thing I should say is that my summer did not go as I had planned, although I am beginning to believe it went exactly the way it had to go. The end of July has inspired quite a bit of reflection on both what I have done and what I have failed to do. 

As is my custom, my summer visions looked more like the person I want to be – disciplined, scheduled, productive, creative, intellectual, fun, available, social, spontaneous, relaxed, curious, organized. As is expected, the reality was closer to who I actually am – a person confined to a 24-hour day with a, albeit small, need for sleep who has a tendency towards procrastination and listlessness without a third party generated checklist. I am not embarrassed by this discrepancy. In fact, it is acknowledging these ideas that have often been most useful to me, provided I don’t get swallowed by self-judgment and self-doubt. That last part is no small task and contributes at least in part to my procrastination bent. It is easier to accomplish than it used to be, which serves the added benefit of helping to stave off the moments I am paralyzed by imposter syndrome or the idea that I am, in fact, the shittiest person on the planet (neither of which are true). 

My summer is coming to a close. The Trepagniers threw their last house party on Saturday and will head out for their last adventure this Friday. Upon our return, my world returns to academia, a schedule which I know only in part but can only be rigorous based on all the components that are required to be in it. To this end, I have concentrated my efforts over the last week or so on moving myself back into a routine that allows me to keep room for all my nonacademic endeavors and attempting to reset my space into something organized and efficient for the work to come. 

That’s when the fuckoffedness of my summer came into clear view. 

Specifically, I did not read, write, work out, or work on projects that had to take a back burner during the semester as much as I had planned. I did not get ahead on projects that are ongoing that get a little less attention when I’m in school. I did not deep clean my house, declutter my attic, or rearrange my pantry. I did not brunch, lunch, or happy hour more often. While I did some of these, none of them were repeated at the level I envisioned when my calendar cleared of drives to campus and classes. 

But I think I did enough of it, and the things I replaced them with originally tried to instigate guilt. I have caught crickets to fish with. I have napped outside. I am a level 45 on this little Township game within which I have built Honeyville, complete with 18 cows, 18 chickens, 12 sheep, 6 beehives, 6 pigs, a Mexican restaurant, roller coaster, waterpark, zoo (with hippos), shipping port, train station, and airport – population 4,785. I am 4 episodes away from finishing The Crown, a couple of seasons into A Person of Interest, and halfway through a complete rewatch of NCIS (don’t ask which one – there is only one).  

These can only be described as guilty pleasures, at least from my viewpoint. And I indulged. It was my summer, I justified. I deserved the time off. But, as true as that was, I still had guilt – until I looked to my left. Most of these things, and most of the summer, I have done with my husband. We have held hands, played games, worked in yards, and compromised over the remote – next to each other. 

It reminds me that there is a time for everything. This is our time. In less than two weeks, the ability to lay in bed all day eating takeout and googling Royal Family trivia will not be an option. Instead, academia will once again call on my time. And while this is a goal that I have set for myself, and Mike could not be more supportive, the demands will nonetheless be felt by both of us. Unfortunately, he will feel it more acutely as I will have my work to distract me. This is not a fair assignment, but here we are. 

So, now it is August. I will savor these last days of summer while looking forward to this new adventure ahead. I will remember that this has been time exquisitely spent – even when my schedule bursts, swollen by those things I probably could have done in this free time. I am reminded that time is never free. I feel I have used it to its highest and best purpose. 

xoxo,