Falling Leaves, Filled Donuts, and Fierce Grace

Kobi and I began reading Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May after I came across it on the How to be a Better Human Podcast. The host, Chris Duffy, read the following excerpts:

However it arrives, wintering is usually involuntary, lonely, and deeply painful.
Yet it’s also inevitable. We like to imagine that it’s possible for life to be one eternal summer, and that we have uniquely failed to achieve that for ourselves…
In our relentlessly busy contemporary world, we are forever trying to defer the onset of winter. We don’t ever dare to feel its full bite, and we don’t dare to show the way it ravages us. An occasional sharp wintering would do us good. We must stop believing that these times in our lives are somehow silly, a failure of nerve, a lack of willpower. We must stop trying to ignore them or dispose of them. They are real, and they are asking something of us. We must learn to invite the winter in. We may never choose to winter, but we can choose how. (11, 13 emphasis in the original)

If you have been with me from the beginning of my Knoxville journey, this listen came between trying to create new rhythms in a new place and my realization that it was just going to be hard. While I wouldn’t say this period of my life is necessarily a “winter,” it definitely has enough winter-like qualities to qualify as an autumn. 

I explain all that to say my 18-day hiatus has not been an absence so much as it has been a time of metaphorically watching leaves turn and fall. When we last spoke, I had deleted all the social media apps from my phone (that is still a thing), and intimated that I was desperately clutching at stories as a way to understand this current (probably primordial, possibly pathological) state of humanity. 

And I was still the Incredible Hulk, clutching the rosary. 

Friends, if you know me at all, you know I cannot be angry all the time. It doesn’t fit my way of being in the world. It definitely isn’t supportive of my best self. The leaves were falling. 

Leaves are supposed to fall. There is a cyclical regeneration and rejuvenation that happens in nature. When we are our best selves, we too should be nature. When there is nothing, there is room for anything. 

The past 18 days have been filled with only what was necessary (and a serious bout with the crud). I neglected anything that I didn’t feel I absolutely had to do. This means I did not: 

• go to daily Mass on days that I could have
• regularly exercise
• get enough sleep
• drink enough water
• read/write enough words
• brush my teeth before bed
• use lotion after my shower
• clean the kitchen every night
• stretch every morning
• focus on joy

Y’all, I reveled in the angry. 

Now this isn’t to say I was ugly to people. It is to say I could have been. And I was very open about that. I had a couple of great conversations with advisors, mentors, friends, ChatGPT, my husband…I prayed a lot. 

God sent me home. 

UT has a fall break. This is a new thing for me. Instead of having a full week at Thanksgiving, the Tennessee calendar moves Monday and Tuesday to the beginning of October. So, although I was off from the end of class on Friday to the beginning of class on Wednesday, I had no plans to go home. Mike had just been here, and he is coming back today. Instead, the break placement in the schedule makes it the perfect time to tuck in and work, switching from the first half of the semester exploration into the second half of the semester final paper planning. 

Then I learned that I didn’t have to be at my Friday class…

Then I went to Wednesday Mass at the Cathedral. It was the Feast of St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Father David started talking about the little way of love…and then, in a transition that I missed, began talking about being homesick and recounted how, when he lived in Rome, he changed his plane ticket to come home early for Thanksgiving. He said once he got there, he realized it was the absolute right decision. 

Thursday, I drove home. It was absolutely the right decision. 

Did I get as much work done as I wanted to? Obviously not. My framily took up some of the time with visits, meals, and laughter. Lying around in bed with Mike, finishing up the last season of Yellowstone, took nearly a whole day. I spent almost 14 hours driving back and forth. 

And it was absolutely the right decision. 

The drive back to Knoxville was therapeutic. I reflected on the past five days: I had been joyful and happy; I had not been angry. I was also not feeling my best physical self. Now that I had put the angry away, I was able to consider the last two weeks of my life. The leaves had fallen; I could see the trees. 

I knew I had to get my life back on track. So, I did what any person would do – I pulled off the interstate when the “Food” sign said Dunkin’ Donuts, ran through the drive-thru, and ordered a large coffee and three (yes, three) chocolate-covered, cream-filled donuts. What is life reclamation without a last hurrah? Seriously?

When I got home, I thanked the donut makers as I ceremoniously and solemnly threw away the empty (yes, empty) box. I unpacked my car, reset my apartment, set up my desk, and sat down with my planner. I recommitted to daily Mass (even? especially? on my late days). I am honoring my sleep schedule. I said hello to my Peloton. I apologized to my neglected, unstretched muscles. I filled my water bottle. 

I prayed. I am in. I understand that his plan is better than anybody else’s – including / especially mine. I submit (again) my way for his way. I am listening because he is showing up. He is providing for me daily. It is not what I expected, and that expectation has created my turmoil. So, I let it go. I am listening to those who he has put into my life for a reason. 

I have always been a summer girl. Life is better at 90 degrees in the sun. But I am learning to embrace the fall, to submit to the winter, to pay attention to the changing of the leaves. It is time for soups and sweater weather. I am not angry at it…I am here for it. 

“How to rest when life is overwhelming (w/ Katherine May).” How to Be a Better Human from TED Audio Collective, 25 Aug https://www.ted.com/podcasts/how-to-rest-when-life-is-overwhelming-w-katherine-may

May, Katherine. Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, Riverhead Books, 2020.