Grace, Shame, and Fear 

2025JUN18

Yesterday was a good day. I cleared (or at least pushed to the next step) all of my pending outside projects. 

• Outside projects: Those things that involve other people, external commitments, due dates, etc. 

I feel really good about that – mostly because most of them were behind schedule or cutting it close. 

I am doing much better about that sort of thing. So, let’s talk about grace, shame, and fear. 

Grace: I am a huge fan. Spiritually speaking, it is that thing that gives me comfort and protects me from guilt and shame. Now I am not saying that guilt and shame aren’t useful; they are. As much as I love going to Mass, there are mornings when it is harder to get myself out of the door. Sometimes, knowing the guilt I will feel as a result is just the last bit of motivation I need to protect myself from a bad decision.

Shame: I find, is useful, but far more extreme. I haven’t had a legitimate need to feel shame in a really long time. Of course, there was a time when I leap-frogged over guilt and just stayed in a state of shame – not healthy, productive, or appropriate. Most people that I have encountered who carry around heavy doses of shame have a disordered view of themselves. I know I did. 

But both guilt and shame are covered by grace. In my Catholic tradition, this is most clearly illustrated in the sacrament of reconciliation/confession. However, grace is always available to those who seek it. 

In a more general practice, grace is the slack we cut others and ourselves because we love. It is that moment that I say, “I mess up, you mess up – that doesn’t mean we are messed up. It just means that I get it, and we will get through it.” Big hug. Perhaps that’s a little Pollyanna for some people. I would say it’s some of the closest stuff we ever get to actual freedom. 

As much as I appreciate the infinite supply of grace, I also recognize that it is exactly that infinite quality that can provide a crutch to my procrastination in dealing with my infinite supply of fear. 

Fear: It goes like this: April has [insert whatever task/project here] to do. She is convinced that she will fail. More than fail, she will screw it up so royally that her humiliation will be the next viral sensation, watched by millions right before the consequences of her actions destroy the planet. 

Theory: You fall into one of two categories

1. My husband – how does a brain even work like that???
2. Me – holy shit I feel so seen right now!!!

Gripped by the fear of causing the demise of humanity, April does nothing. Or she plans on how to approach the project to ensure she does not cause the demise of humanity. And she researches…and plans…and brainstorms…and does laundry…and reads a book about the subject…and answers email…and basically does anything but actually work on the task. 

Then the project is late. April feels really bad about that, apologizes, gives herself grace, and receives grace from others. This feels way better than actually doing the scary work. Viola! A horrible cycle begins. 

Yesterday was not only good project work, but good work towards breaking that cycle. I did receive grace from both myself and others. I accepted it and was thankful for it. However, I had already committed to the work that day. I was not calling it a day until all the boxes were checked. I did not look for a distracting lunch date. I did not set up in a cute (albeit distracting) coffee shop. I did not have personal pet projects available for those times when “I just couldn’t get my brain to work.” And, the work got done. 

Is my life fixed now? No. Will I now have every project completed on its due date? Also, no. But yesterday it worked, and I will count that a win.