Saying Goodbye to the Bitches

I could say that the Bitches & Bourbon podcast was too much work. It was a lot of work, that is true. For a one-hour published episode, I would spend at least 8 researching, prepping, recording, editing, and publishing. I often wondered how many of these podcasts succeeded in keeping a schedule or daily or weekly episodes. Then I learned (what I should have already figured out); they have staff.

However, to say that the workload isn’t the whole of it either, as evidenced by my contemplation of its replacement project. I think I would be lost without a project or twelve of some sort rolling around. But, it is time to say goodbye to the Bitches. It has been for a while now – I just didn’t know how.

This contemplation has proven mentally difficult. I suppose denying the big truths usually are. And the big truth is I just don’t want to do it anymore. 

That admittance should not be as difficult as it is, but it has been. I haven’t published an episode in eight months, I have been thinking about it for that long. I still don’t have it all worked out. But I will try to explain where I am so far. 

• Do I still love whiskey and everything I loved about it during the two-and-a-half years I ran the podcast? Yes.
• Do I still hold firm that the word “bitch” has been railroaded and abused by those who seek to mentally manipulate and oppress? Yes. 
• Do I still believe these topics and others like them make for great conversation? Yes. 
• Do I want to consume more than my brain will allow and promote loopy conversation? No. 
• Does much of this discovery overlap with my renewed calling to return to a faith I never really appreciated? Yes. 
• Is that a coincidence? Probably not. 

I think my biggest fear is that dreaded imposter syndrome, that voice so many of us carry around that dictates what we must think, do, and be in order to stay in our lane. While I do not think it a new phenomenon, I can’t imagine that the curation of life that occurs on social media doesn’t have something to do with it. There is a prevailing idea that suggests in order to be successful, to have your voice rise above the noise, you must “build a brand.” Brand building is a niche-carving activity that seeks to line up your persona with a search engine, algorithm-friendly, identifiable subject. This seems like a good idea – until you try to redesign the box you have built for yourself or travel in a different lane.

It is in these moments that the voice jumps in with questions on your commitment issues, wishy-washy behavior, inability to stick with a thing, overzealous new toy, habitually bored, consistently inconsistent, completely in line with fraud behavior. But this accusation makes no sense. Nothing is more exciting for me than engaging with dynamic individuals who maintain a constant sense of wonder and openness to new experiences and knowledge of creation. If I appreciate that in others, can’t I learn to appreciate it in myself?

In fact, I have come to appreciate that in myself. My insistence that there always be a wonder in my day has been a life staple for quite a while. The honest hitch is that I am not worried about having all the wonders; I worry about what people will think about a person who has all the wonders. And that, my friends, is a problem.

This is where my head has been these last eight months. These are the circles of thought that leave everything not only unworked, but untouched. 

Until today. Today, I begin the process of retiring the Bitches and Bourbon project. I am ever so thankful for the time spent, the knowledge gained, and the memories made. I am more grateful that I have leaned into to a place where I can continue to grow and evolve without feeling like I am incapable of charting my own course – even if it takes some time.