Week One – Finding the First Groove

I officially have one full week under my belt here in Knoxville, and I have discovered that it is super easy to fall into whatever kind of trap you want when you are alone. It occured to me this morning that even though I have been to Mass every day for 10 days, seeing and greeting many of the same people, if I never went back, there would be no one to make sure I hadn’t given the whole thing up. I can eat whatever I want. I can sleep, shower, brush my teeth, exercise, hydrate, binge whatever, and no one would really know. I can also not do any of those things / the same result. It is the most dangerous form of freedom.

But I have been doing positive things. I have a somewhat regular schedule. This schedule includes daily Mass, a regular sleep pattern, an attention to exercise and food choices, a focus on frugality, and plenty of quiet. It seems like a manageable flow that neither stresses me in a way where burnout is all but guaranteed, nor gives me so much permission that I turn into a lump incapable of coping, who refuses to get out of bed until my husband agrees to take me home, because really, who thought this was a good idea anyway?

And let’s be clear – I have had the “what on earth was I possibly thinking, the only thing to do is to call Mike, apologize, pack up, and have him move me back home right now,” thought. More than once. More than thrice. I am not saying it is a thought that requires action – it is not – but it has been a thought.

And that is one of the real conversations I had to have with myself – doubt, fear, worry, loneliness, does not always mean you have made a bad decision that needs to be rectified. Sometimes, it just means you are doing something hard. There is nothing ill-sighted about saying, “I miss my husband, children, and framily…and I am right where I am supposed to be.” Like so many things, both can be true.

It is also true that even when things around here get busy and I have plenty of work to distract me, these feelings of doubt and loneliness will still persist. They may wax and wane depending on the season, but I have no illusions that they will disappear. How could they? That would involve imagining a time when I am comfortable being outside my circle, far from my children. A time when sleeping in a bed that isn’t shared every night with my husband is acceptable. As if. Nope. This period of not togetherness will never be acceptable, but it must be bearable. And for it to be bearable, it has to serve a purpose that I can accomplish.

So, I have a schedule. I take care of myself. I focus on the positive, the strong, the good. And I remember that it will change, and not to get too excited about myself.

You see, I haven’t actually gone to work yet. All of this rhythm and stability I am attempting to identify is still supported by the fact that I have yet to incorporate any real responsibilities. Thankfully, I have been able to look at the upcoming schedule and see how this challenge too seems to hold all the opportunities for success — even if I am still feeling a bit unmoored. I officially start work tomorrow. This means tasks, projects, meetings, and due dates. However, I am not required to be physically anywhere until the following week. And classes don’t officially start until the week after that. The result – the perfect opportunity to slow walk my schedule tweaks. I am very grateful.

Understanding this the way I do, I will not say I have found my groove (although today that is what it feels like). Instead, I know I have found my first groove. But this is not all there is. This first groove is foundational, intentional, supportive. I can already see all the ways in which it is ripe with purpose and possibility. Of course, that also means – because I am me – that it could also be easy to slip into distraction. But there is grace in the hard – because it is hard, because I miss him so very much, I am not tempted by distraction. If anything, I have to exercise caution the other way: rushing the work so I can just get back home. Neither of those does justice to the purpose. And if I am not going to give the purpose its due, then why am I even here?

Week One Highlights

• I started a daily reading of the Gospel of John as an intentional meditation, a lectio divina if you will (although I don’t know that I am as organized as all that, but Father Josh explains it well).

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• I am not trying to break my body while trying to get back into exercising regularly. This is harder than it sounds. Age, coupled with lifestyle, has significantly moved the needle in what I am capable of doing. However, none of that has dampened my knee-jerk that says once I decide to be on track, I should get all that back – now. It is obvious that it doesn’t work that way. We all know this. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep reminding myself of that on a daily basis. Instead, I focus on consistency (and I am already down 9 pounds, up to a 3-mile walk, and a 10-mile bike ride).
• I am still no processed food, water, and coffee. This isn’t something I am going to be strict about. But it is going to be the norm…However, I am already thinking about where I am going to treat myself to lunch out.
• I am ahead on work for my professorial duties, and I have started chipping away at my reading list for this semester.
• My house is clean. Granted, this is a far easier task since it is just me, but I don’t let that fact make me complacent.