So, full transparency – that is NOT what I thought I was going to type as this week’s reflection title. Since Thursday, I really thought it was going to be something more around the benefits of getting up and going to work. However, as the words are wont to do, they changed somewhere between my brain and the page.
If I have to guess, I would say the change is motivated by the idea that the body knows. My body knew day 1 (or definitely by day 2) in Knoxville that this situation was different than anything I have ever done before. Like, WAY different. Not just “haven’t lived by myself in 30 years” different. Like, “I am 49 and I have never lived in a place where I know nothing Jon Snow” different. Have Mike and I lived apart? Once in 1996, right after we got married, we waited for the Navy to pull my new orders. I stayed behind in Memphis, in an apartment I shared with a friend, surrounded by a place, people, and work that I knew. And once when we reconnected in 2016. Again, I was comfortable, near my hometown, the children, my parents, my friends, my life. And again, it was for the briefest time.
My body knew we were going to have to do things differently if we were going to survive differently. I took full advantage of the first completely unencumbered days of my new space. I looked at where my natural inclinations were, what my new resources consisted of, and started to settle in:
- I have always liked structure and schedule, but as Mrs. Trepagnier, that isn’t really realistic (iykyk).
- Here, I can lean into that part of my brain that settles when I know what is coming next, what I am meant to do now, and where to go if I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.
- I feel good when I eat well and clean. And while Mike always makes sure I eat well (that Louisiana man makes my heart do some things every time he even thinks about stepping into the kitchen), his answer to lard, butter, cheese, sodium, fried, is “yes!”
- Here, I can lean into a different way of eating, a different pace of consumption.
- Everything works better when I am active, getting sunshine, and touching grass. I have let that part of my to-do list rest in the trash for about 18 months. I just
couldn’twouldn’t find the space in my brain among the chaos to honor its importance.- Here, I have made those physical activities a priority. I am learning about the different green spaces (Knoxville is excellent in this area), getting reacquainted with my Peloton, looking into the layout of the UTK gym, and toying ever so slightly with what it looks like to put on my running shoes again. Most notably, I have added stretching to my normal routine. This sounds like a no-brainer, but it is shamefully something I have never made a point to do.
- Mass is the most centering thing I do. I haven’t missed a Holy Day of Obligation since November 3, 2024. During my confession of that missed Mass, I also included my struggle with petty pride, a bit of overindulgence, and a general acknowledgement of knee-jerk irritation. Father Dawid said, “If you are still willing to miss Sunday Mass, none of that other stuff matters.” And that was it. I do not miss Mass.
- Here, daily Mass is almost always readily available. I am thankful that it is always on my calendar.
Thinking about this list, you may notice there is something notably missing – work. This was intentional. My work has a schedule all its own. Prep time for new instructors is built into my contract. The classes start on a predictable schedule. In other words, work had its designated, sufficient place on my calendar; it did not need to encroach into the non-work space of my life. I am so fortunate that my situation allowed for 12 real days of calendar space that did not include UTK responsibilities. And, when work started, the schedule was kind, beginning with a few days of remote work that built in structure and ending with in-person, on-campus, scheduled time.
Therefore, I resisted the urge to begin work early. The caveat to that is I did move the novels on the semester reading list up on my TBR. But, I did not pull academic articles, annotate bibliographies, outline paper ideas, modify syllabi, or chart class schedules until August 4th – the designated time to begin such activities.
Now, I sit here on a Sunday morning. The coffee is good, I have read the Sunday paper, I am getting ready to put myself together for Mass, my day is easy and productive (I am going to try my hand at meal prep), and I am altogether feeling wonderful.
And, I obviously did it differently yesterday.
- I turned off my alarm. Did I still wake up at my normal time? Yes, because I often wake up unassisted (or with Decimal’s “encouragement”) somewhere during the 4 o’clock hour. But if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to ensure it.
- I did go to Mass, but I went straight there and came straight home. I resisted the urge to “get ahead of the game” by running the errands I have planned for today. I knew my body needed a break, so I did not stop for a walk at the park. I got up, got out of pajamas, went to Mass, came home, and got back into pajamas.
- I moved through my day at my own pace. I sat down and created a task list of things that would make me feel grounded in my place. These things included: organizing my work area, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming and washing the floor, and getting out the stack of cards I have been meaning to send since April.
I did not cook. Instead, I planned for this day of grace by grabbing a Reuben, a hummus and baba ghanoush plate, and baklava from the Holy Land Market on Friday. Mike and I found this place last weekend. It is literally the best Reuben either of us has ever had. I have since learned that this unassuming place is actually Knoxville legend and is the best Reuben anyone around here has ever had.
I finished my list around 7:30. I did not concern myself with my Peloton or my bedtime. Instead, I decided to start chipping away at my movie deficiency. At the risk of spending the next three hours agonizing over my “correct” choice of film (this is just something I do, right?), I flung the question into the social media ether and vowed to create a more structured plan for this endeavor at another time. For now, I picked the first free, no commercials, should-have-seen movie that popped up – and Hidden Figures did not disappoint. (It is true that Taraji P. Henson can do no wrong; Octavia Spencer slayed this one for me.)
After, I reset myself and my house in preparation for my morning, and went to bed far later than normal.
And how do I feel after a day of being relatively unconcerned with streaks? (I didn’t get to my Wordle, Crossword, and I barely put any effort into my Duolingo.) Wonderful. Intentional. Rested. Ready. Content. Joyful.
Transparency: I do feel a kind of way about broken streaks. It feels like mini-failures. But that doesn’t mean that they are. The only thing it does mean is that the psychology of engagement employed by corporations is real and effective. That little thing that a streak does to your brain is not your imagination. It’s dopamine. It’s a chemical fix that you will pay for. Ex. Duolingo’s in-app purchases (streak freezes, gems, etc.) generated nearly $39M in 2024. The financials don’t lie.
But the body knows a different truth.
So, here I am…you have stuck with me through the doubt, dysfunction, blubbers, and strife. I am thrilled to tell you there is more to the story. Will I be starting a new streak of joyful everydays and complete comfort in my loneliness? Not a chance. Am I also going to intentionally break my 280-day Duolingo streak or my 357-day Hallow streak? Also no. But I am also going to stop using artificial streak repairs. If I have earned them through consistency, fine. But, I am going to place more importance on why consistency is important, why it matters, and, most importantly, that consistency is not the same as a streak.
Classes start tomorrow, y’all. Wish me luck, say a prayer, and Go Vols!
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