Week Zero

A year or so ago (maybe longer now) I bought a sleep mask. It’s the wraparound kind with the earbuds in them. What a miraculous invention for a marriage such as mine – the early bird and the night owl. I hate it when we don’t go to bed at the same time, he hates disturbing me by being awake. The mask is the answer. 

But I didn’t wear it the night before I left. I didn’t care what time I went to sleep, and I didn’t want to miss one sound of his stirring, awakeness, scrolling, breathing – none of it. 

It wasn’t the last day we imagined. A summer cold landed squarely on his face and in his sinuses. He was miserable. I took care of him the best I could (but really, what is there to do for a man cold), and we watched The Hitman’s Bodyguard. We were in bed and asleep by nine. As a consequence, I was up at three and on the road to Knoxville by four. I did the whole trip in one shot, trying to get Decimal out of the car as soon as possible. He did really well. He got a little car sick, but it wasn’t nearly the trauma trip I had anticipated. 

I fought a headache most of the day. Maybe it’s the nerve in my neck, the lack of caffeine (I skipped my morning coffee so I wouldn’t have to stop and pee), my blood pressure (which was ridiculously high), or my decision to skip the fast food window. I think maybe I am underestimating the toll this whole thing is taking on my body. But, whatever. At this point, it is what it is. I have a plan. 

If some of this sounds a little over dramatic, I get it.
But living by yourself for the first time in 30 years is a little dramatic.

The plan? Keep a schedule and consistently put one foot in front of the other. It’s all I really know how to do. I realized, as I was getting ready for bed that first night, how completely unmoored I felt in this new place, with these new smells, without my heart. Seriously, I had to keep reminding myself that I did, in fact, know how to drive in city traffic. That I did know how to feed myself. That I could actually survive one day in Knoxville. 

And I did survive. I am moving with a lot of grace towards myself and my expectations. If some of this sounds a little over dramatic, I get it. But living by yourself for the first time in 30 years is a little dramatic. I know couples say it all the time, but Mike really is my best friend. We spend significantly more time together than we do apart – on purpose because we prefer it that way. And now, it is time for me to do this. The work is good, important, and supported. He is proud of me. I am proud of me. We are both grateful that this is the life we live. This means that, once again, two separate things can must be true. I miss him so very much. I am going to thrive. 

So what did the rest of Week Zero like? Intention. Pure intention.

• I went to the grocery store and filled the fridge with fruits and veggies. The beverages have been water and coffee. The menu is vegan and from my kitchen until I feel like I am respecting my body again.
• I have made stretching a priority. Just like prayer, it’s first thing in the morning before something else tries to take its spot.
• I am getting reacquainted with my Peloton. It has been a really, really, long time. It is difficult to acknowledge how much strength and form I have lost in the last year. But here too is grace.
• I got my physical library cataloged with the help of Libib. I cannot tell you what a godsend find that was! 640ish titles logged in less than three days. I have told more than a few people that this move has God’s fingerprints all over it.
• The Cathedral of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus is less than ten minutes from my apartment; daily Mass has been a grounding force that I could not be more thankful for. 

Now, it is time to prepare for Week One. What are my thoughts about that? Technically, my contract doesn’t start until August 1^st and classes begin on the 18^th. Typically that wouldn’t matter to me; start early, finish strong. But I don’t think I am going to force that method right now. Instead, I am going to continue to settle in, see what seems to be working, and concentrate more on foundation than speed.